21 Apr To Love & To Serve
This story appeared in today’s Pink Magazine. If you are here for Alex’s email – here it is – alexinmalta@gmail.com
Last month the popular trading site Maltapark featured a rather unusual classified advert. Unfortunately just a few hours after it was uploaded, the advert was removed by the website’s administrators, who, up until going to print with this article, refused to give an official reason for removing it.
As one does whenever meeting strangers, I agreed to meet Alex in a public place and in broad daylight. I tried my best to keep an open-mind about the situation but after reading his advert, admittedly still had preconceived ideas as to what a man with such desires would be like.
Subconsciously I was expecting Alex to look like some sort of a cross between Shrek and Gargamella, and to soothe my perverse fear, I asked a couple of friends to be on standby just in case he decided to abduct me.
With all this rummaging through my head, I walked into the coffee shop and looked around trying to identify the man behind the advert. In my prejudiced haste I looked right through a gorgeous young man who was timidly standing up and discreetly waving at me.
A few seconds later, he managed to make eye contact and he motioned me towards his table. Alex is tall, blond, blue eyed, and in short, incredibly gorgeous. He is well dressed and so polite that I felt as ashamed as a robber in a charity shop for having expected the exact opposite.
Alex is a single 33 year old man from Hungary. He is an IT specialist with a Master’s Degree in Business Administration. He moved to Malta last February in an attempt to improve his English and to take some time off before he embarks on a new job. Alex is so reverent of the female gender that in his advert he even capitalized the first letter of every word that refers to women.
“Ever since I was a child I knew I was different. Whilst my classmates were always talking about girls’ bodies, I was not so deeply interested in this. I was always more interested in getting into unequal and humiliating situations with them because my fantasies were not about their bodies but their brains. My desire was to share a secret with a girl, to hide away from others, and (in a childish way) to give myself to her.
From a very young age I used to feel the need to kneel in front of a girl, and to do for her whatever she wanted me to do. It didn’t matter if it was humiliating, in fact I preferred it if it was. Unfortunately, at the time I was too shy to look for such a girlfriend, so my submission towards the other gender remained a fantasy, a secret desire.
A few years later I had to face my “deviation” and it was quite traumatic for me as I didn’t know what it was. I just knew that something was wrong with me and I felt that I couldn’t ask for help, because I did not know who could help me. I felt ashamed.
Unfortunately there was no internet at that time, and finding information was not easy, so I went to libraries and tried to read about sexual deviations. I knew about masochists and I thought that I was one of them. Today I know that I’m not but, it was a good place for me to start my research from. Slowly, slowly I started figuring out that this is some kind of fetish, and that I’m not masochist because I don’t feel pleasure when I feel physical pain. The category I fit best in is called ‘submissive.’ I am like a dog – if you step on my tail I apologize -something that is not easy to explain especially in a language that is not my mother tongue.
After my discovery, and despite of my “otherness”, I decided to try to live as normal a life as I could. At first I did not get into any relationships, and then I tried “normal” relationships, but there were always things that I missed, like not being able to talk about my desires openly. Whenever I went into a relationship without my partner knowing about my passion, it just didn’t work out in the long run. It’s like a ‘normal’ person trying to go through a relationship without sex. It works for a while but eventually it gets to you. In addition I hate acting, and don’t think I’m good at it, so if I don’t come clean from the start, I feel that I have to act in a different way to what I truly feel.
Besides acting is cheating and devious and a girlfriend who doesn’t know about my cravings would interpret my acting as lack of interest, when the truth is the exact opposite. I just don’t show interest it in the way that is normally expected. So I’ve decided that I want to be totally honest and open from the start because I don’t think that there’s something wrong with me, it’s just a question of finding someone who wants what I can offer.
Thanks to the internet, I now know that there are quite a lot of other people who feel the same way. In fact there’s almost a whole industry and market for people like me – from prostitutes selling their services, to pictures and movies – everything in exchange for money. Personally, I find most of it disgusting because my ultimate aim is to be in a long stable relationship with someone who gets a kick out of my inclination, and with whom I’m free to be the man I really am.
The longest relationship I’ve ever had lasted one year. We met on a special website where people like me can find partners. It was a great experience. She had me clean her flat, wash her clothes by hand, and sometimes I cooked for her and served her drinks. She was also extremely proud of her feet and toes because she had had cosmetic surgery performed on them. She expected me to kiss them whenever we met or whenever she’d be reading a book or watching a DVD.
Though we never had sex in the “classical way,” in the sense that we never actually had intercourse, we were very intimate. Besides the foot kissing, one of her favourite physical contacts with me was slapping me, sometimes even in public. She worked in a call centre, which was very stressful, and she found this a good way to release the stress and I couldn’t have felt better. Sometimes I slept in her living room, and sometimes on the floor next to her bed, and in the morning I would wake her up and serve her coffee in bed.
She was strange, even for me, but I really loved her. It probably sounds rather unbelievable, but I was happy in that role. We broke up because she starting becoming too materialistic and expected
me to spend a lot of money on her. For me this raised the alarm that it was no longer about me, my submission, my service, but more about the things that I could give her. However today I think that it was my fault that we are no longer together and I feel quite sad about it.
In simple terms I get my pleasure out of feeling inferior to a woman. I can’t imagine anything more intimate than offering myself to a woman. The mutual agreement and acceptance of me giving up all the power and her having all of it, gives me a pleasure that I can’t even describe. I also believe that the best way to get to know a woman is to let her use me without inhibitions, and for her to tell me what she ‘really’ wants and needs.
After a long time serving a woman, the biggest pleasure would then be to serve her sexually, to tend to her sexual needs, not mine, and not ours, just hers. For me it is something that is exciting and romantic at the same time. It is exciting because of the strangeness of the situation, and it’s romantic because I could really do anything for a woman who holds me in such a position. When I find the right woman to serve I will give her everything I can.
I’m afraid I can’t explain this to someone who is not interested in this, because it’s like trying to explain the beauty of the female body to a homosexual boy. He could understand my words, but he can’t decode the real meaning of my sentences, because he does not have the brain schemas that make him feel like I feel.
I’m quite aware that most people reading my advert would think that I’m weird or some kind of a pervert, and if we never meet and they don’t know who I am I don’t really care what they think. I know that it’s just something that most people will find funny, but I also know that once they meet me they soon forget about it.
Since those open to this sort of thing are very rare, I’d rather not come out in the open and show my face as I’m sure that it will have a negative backlash. Unfortunately I thought Maltapark was the right place to get the attention of some special people, and I’m still a bit angry that they removed my advert because I don’t feel that I broke or abused any rules. They don’t have any conditions of use and they didn’t give me an explanation for removing my advert. I was prepared to read through some rude answers as it’s the only way that I could, one day, find someone interesting. A woman had already responded, and she sounded genuinely interested, but now I have no way of contacting her because Maltapark has her contact details. I’m now hoping to find someone through this article.
I know that I might have to meet a few wrong people before I find my perfect match, and though my strategy is not so romantic, I’m prepared to live with the drawbacks for my chance to find the right one. I’m prepared to clean households for nothing if that’s the only way I’ll find that special someone who I’m really looking for. I’m not going to be proud of this, but I’m ready to take it.
