08 Jan Cupid Goes Digital
I’m sitting at a wine bar not so patiently waiting for a friend to turn up. Across the room, there’s a group of twenty-something women all huddled up, laughing, giggling and flipping through what I imagine are photos on their smartphones. 
Some gorgeous men have just walked into the bar. They’re well dressed, perfectly groomed and are talking loudly. The women never notice them walk in. As the men walk past the women’s table, the tall hunk slows down, looks at the women, (who are still chuckling away at their smartphones), and feebly tries to attract their attention. Again they don’t even notice his presence, so somewhat embarrassed the poor guy shrugs his shoulders and, joins his friends at the bar.
My friend finally arrives and joins me at the bar. The women are still looking at their smartphones and now both my friend and I are intrigued with what the women could possibly be looking at on their screens. Suddenly one of them points at her phone and bursts into an, “Oh! No, not him, not him, no way,” and just like a synchronized herd all the other women shift their attention to the woman’s smartphone and guffaw in disgust. Another woman swiftly swipes the phone with her finger and suddenly, “Oh Yes baby, that’s what I’m talking about” they say in unison, now nodding and smiling in approval.
These women are either on Facebook, Twitter, Tinder, or some other kind of dating, match-making or social website. Their interest in the world of cyber-loving seems to have left them totally oblivious to the ‘fish’ that’s right there, physically present in human form, a few paces away, ready for the catch.
People have been meeting for love over the Internet for the last decade, but has it been taken too far? Have we driven the dating evolution into a disastrous revolution of short codes and emoticons? Have we forgotten how to interact face to face; how to find love without the use of a keyboard? Have we forgotten how to relate like human beings were always meant to?
“I love it,” says Mary*, a 28 year old self-confessed Internet dating addict. “It’s good fun, and I’ve met quite a few good contenders online. Most of my encounters didn’t develop into relationships for different reasons, and I feel safe to say that they wouldn’t have worked out even had we not met online. If not for anything else, I love meeting potential dates online because it is very efficient,” she explains. “Of course, you end up judging a person mostly by their looks, but let’s face it, if you don’t like someone’s face or body, at the end, it won’t make a difference that they’ve got an above average IQ, or that they buy you flowers every Wednesday.”
Joanna* is 35 years old and recently divorced. She admits to feeling jealous that today’s generation has the luxury of Internet sites like these. “Oh how I wish social media and internet dating sites existed when I was younger,” she sighs. “If only I knew that I had such a massive choice of partners I never would have married so young. And now that I’m free and single again, I’m learning my way around this technology. So far, I’m finding it superb,” she adds, “because not only do I get to choose from hundreds of candidates, but I also get to avoid all that useless small talk that comes with every first date.”
Joanna also finds online dating very protective; “it helps me keep my distance for long enough to get to know a person,” she explains candidly. “When I meet someone at a bar or a club, I find it very difficult to keep it platonic for long. Men put a lot of pressure to get physical and I find it difficult to put them off past the third or fourth date, but when I meet people online, I feel more in control; I take all the time I need until I decide whether to meet in person or not, and I only do so when and if, I’m ever up to it.”
The latest online dating app to be launched is Tinder. Within two months of its launch in the US and UK it has garnered over 2 million members, and is growing by more than 2% every day. Members choose the gender they’re interested in and the maximum distance that they want their potential dates to be residing. The app then feeds them back with a series of photos from those who match the criteria.
The app is also linked to Facebook photos but besides gender and distance, all you get to know from the app is the age of the contender and whether you have common Facebook friends or not. With one click of a button you can then discard the photo never to see it again, or give it the green light to start chatting. Meeting face to face or not is then entirely up to you and, typically, members would have four or five chats going on simultaneously.
“The beauty of looking for love online,” says Sheila* “is that if you don’t hit off, you don’t have to message a friend to come save you from some boring date. You don’t have to make up excuses explaining why you have to leave the bar so hastily. In other words you don’t have to play nice; you just say goodbye (if you’re polite enough) and off you go, never to see the person again.”
In a way this meeting style has turned dating into a social activity. It has taken dating from being a purely personal thing to one where friends can crowd around a phone to give you their opinion of a possible contender, probably even before you’ve made up your mind yourself.
“But is this completely different to how we used to do things before?” asks George* (24). “When my parents were young and of dating age, blind dates were the rule of the day,” he says. “Wasn’t this a form of social activity, whereby your friends would have had to approve of your date before setting you up? And anyway, what are the chances that you would keep dating someone if your friends didn’t think she or he were worth your while?”
Users of such websites, and lovers of this style of dating, seem to agree that it only makes sense to start interacting and finding out about a person, once you’re physically attracted to them. “If you try to do things the other way round, chances are that it won’t work out, whether you’ve met the person online, in a pub, or even at Church.” says Karl* (33).
John* (40) feels old for this kind of dating style, but can still see one big benefit of online connections. He thinks that women are less apprehensive about meeting him when they realize that they have a few friends in common on Facebook. “Approaching women at a bar is like approaching women on Facebook with whom I have no friends in common,” he says. “When I do this it usually leads nowhere, but when I find women with whom I have a few real friends in common, it usually turns into a good date, or, at least a friendly encounter.”
Grace* (35) feels that social networks and dating sites empower her, because whereas in real life she is constantly bombarded with unwanted attention, on the internet no one can approach her or harass her unless she gives them the go ahead. “When I’m out and about and a guy wants to pick me up at all costs, it usually becomes uncomfortable and annoying to get rid of him, but online, all I need to do is to click on the ‘block’ button, or just not answer and eventually they give up. I can’t think of anything more empowering than that.”
But let’s say for argument’s sake that you’re not the online-loving type, and that you want to go the traditional courtship route of meeting someone offline. Would you not check them out online the moment you get home? Of course you would, but how much Googling and Facebooking do you think is acceptable?
Chances are that you will never admit that you’ve Googled a potential partner, but truth is that everybody assumes you will but telling someone that you’ve Googled them is probably as bad as telling them that you have syphilis or that you’re a cricket fan. However the truth is that according to Pew Research, 41% of 18 to 29-year-olds use social media to find out more about a potential date. To me, this means one thing and one thing alone – that the rest of 18 to 29 year-olds, all that gaping 59%, are big, fat, shameless fibbers.
Let’s face it, there’s nothing wrong with a little digital research is there? You’d be silly not to engage in it once it’s available, and it’s only when you take it too far and, when you start acting like a professional cyber stalker, that it becomes problematic.
For example, it’s ok to send a friend request to someone you met the night before, especially if you felt like you hit it off, but don’t go recommending them on LinkedIn, and do not send them a private message with ten love stickers, and please, whatever you do, don’t like any of their photos or invite them to play Candy Crush.
Whether we like it or not, the dating world seems to be dragging us online, and there doesn’t seem much hope for those who want to keep it all traditional. So here’s one last word of advice – when trawling for potential partners online, avoid the pre-judge. Unless they’re proud members of racist or extremist groups, unless their relationship status says anything else but ‘single’, and unless they’ve posted photos of themselves smiling next to a dead elephant, give them a real-life chance, because life’s too short to spend time hoping that the perfectly pouted lip or the hottest arched eyebrow will make up for an cruel heart.
