23 Nov A Double Deadly Dose
This article was first published on Pink November 2011
Charlene was nursing a dying mother, while having been diagnosed with a fatal disease herself. Only days after Antonia was buried, her daughter was admitted for treatment in the same ward she had just died in. For the rest of the family,
including young Jessica Tanti, the loss of two members in a short space of time was devastating.Alison Bezzina talks us through the ordeal and how a 23-year-old turned the other cheek to be dealt a double blow.
Losing someone to cancer is everybody’s nightmare, and with fatal incidences seemingly on the increase, at one point or another, we all wake up in a cold sweat fearing that the disease might one day claim a loved one. For young Jessica Tanti (23) this fear wasn’t just a bad dream, but a double dose of reality.
“I suppose I was lucky enough when I was six years old,” she says with a painful smile, “but fate doesn’t forget, it just had to come back and get its own way, this time, striking twice in a row.”
Eighteen years ago, when Jessica was only six years old, her mother Antonia was diagnosed with colon cancer. At the time, Antonia was in her early forties and the young mother of three little girls – Jessica six, Charlene eleven, and Marcon fourteen. Though the prognosis was not very positive and the treatment was aggressive and gruelling, Antonia survived, and lived on to see two of her three girls get married. She also enjoyed two grandchildren from her eldest daughter.
“I am the youngest of three sisters,” explains Jessica, “and though I was still very young when my mother was diagnosed, I remember that it was a terrible time for my family. Even after her recovery, we spent a long time worrying that the cancer might come back. Every year, whenever my mother went back for a scan, we spent an unnerving week waiting for the results to come out.”
“To make matters worse, my mother always said that if God forbid the cancer did come back, she would not want to be treated. She said that it was just too hard on her the first time round, and she was determined not to put herself or her family through all that again.”
Seventeen years after her first diagnosis, when Antonia had just turned 55, she went for her 17th scan. Luckily she was found to be in the clear and was told that she didn’t need to get tested anymore. “This came as a big relief to all of us,” says Jessica with a hint of irony in her tone. “We all held our own little celebration deep down in our hearts.”
“But our joy was short lived, because a couple of years later, mum started losing weight drastically. After several visits to our GP, it turned out that our worst nightmare was back to haunt us – the cancer had come back with vengeance. “That was one of the saddest days of our lives,” says Jessica, “and yet, we had no idea what further misfortunes were yet to come our way.”
“I had an incredible relationship with my mother,” she reminisces. “Since I was the only sibling still living at home, over the years my mother and I had grown very close. She wasn’t just a mother, but also a friend, and since my boyfriend used to work night shifts we used to go out together all the time… sometimes even to Paceville,” she adds with a naughty smile.
“My sisters and I could always share anything with mum,” she explains. “Since she was a housewife, mum was always there whenever we got home from school or work, and she was always ready to listen. With this special relationship that we had with her, we convinced her to try to beat the cancer again.”
Although the doctors were optimistic, Jessica was always too scared to accompany her mother to hospital. “I was terrified that one day the doctors would tell us that there is nothing that they can do for her and, that we were going to lose our beloved mother, so it was always my eldest sister who accompanied her on hospital visits.”
The doctors never said that it was a lost cause, and they did their best to save Antonia. “Even when we were disheartened and mum was in unmentionable pain, the medical staff was always very encouraging and positive,” adds Jessica.
Seven long months after Antonia’s diagnosis, and many cycles of chemotherapy later, Antonia seemed to be on the mend. “We were feeling hopeful and optimistic,” says Jessica, “but soon enough mum took a terrible turn to the worse.”
“It was during one of her three-day chemotherapy sessions at Boffa hospital,” recalls Jessica sadly. “By now, these hospital stays had become a regular part of our lives, and since the night before she was feeling quite well, that morning we were not particularly worried. But, as life would have it, tragedy struck when we were least expecting it.”
“I was still asleep when I heard my mobile ringing. I assumed that it was my mother calling to make sure that I wake up in time for work, so I lazily snoozed on. The phone kept ringing incessantly, and when I finally got up to answer it, I was surprised not to hear my mother on the other end. Instead, it was my sister Charlene in a panicked fit. She told me that a nurse had called from Boffa hospita, to tell us that something had happened to mum and that we needed to go to her as soon as possible. I can hardly forgive myself for not answering the phone the first time it rang, because we ended up losing quite a bit of time before we managed to get to the hospital. The streets were jam packed with traffic, and it took us over an hour to get there. In the meantime we received another two hysterical phone calls from the nurses, and this got us into an agonizing frenzy. Since the medical staff was usually very calm and professional, we knew from their tone that something had to be terribly wrong. At one point I thought that we were going to be too late and I almost jumped out of the car and started running. By the time we got to the hospital, mum was barely conscious, and she was about to be transferred to Mater Dei Hospital for further investigations.”
It turned out that Antonia had suffered an epileptic fit due to a blood-cloth that had travelled from her calf up to her lungs. It took her three weeks to get a little bit better, but she never recovered enough to continue chemotherapy. “It soon became clear that we were fighting a lost battle and, that we were about to lose our loving mother. Her pain kept increasing and she could never get any sleep. We moved her bed into my room so that I could keep a constant eye on her throughout the night, but there seemed to be nothing that I could do to take away the pain and I hated seeing my mother in such a state.”
As Antonia deteriorated fast, and whilst the family prepared themselves for the sad outcome, they were hit with even more bad news.
“We were still coming to terms with our mother’s fate, when destiny raced after my 27 year old sister Charlene,” says Jessica sadly. “One day, she went to visit mum in hospital, and mum noticed that Charlene was not looking well. Because Charlene had just recovered from a slip disc operation and a miscarriage, my mother was very worried and insisted that she sees a doctor. Charlene went to her GP and at first she was diagnosed with a severe case of jaundice, but after a couple of days it turned out that she had Pancreatic cancer – one of the most aggressive and deadly cancers.”
From the start, the doctors were not very hopeful, and though they were about to do everything to save her, the family always knew that from then on, Charlene would be living on borrowed time. Very soon after her diagnosis, Charlene underwent an operation, as well as three exhausting cycles of chemotherapy, but despite all efforts, a few months down the line the cancer had spread to Charlene’s liver. “It was surreal,” says Jessica, “because for the first few months after being diagnosed, my sister led a normal life; she went out, had fun, and had a very strong will to live, she even went on a special diet to help her recovery. It was almost like she wasn’t sick at all.”
“Although we tried to keep my sister’s news from my mother, mum grew extremely suspicious, and we eventually had to tell her that Charlene was undergoing some medical tests. But mothers are mothers and she soon realised the situation was worse than what we were making it out to be. Once she even caught a glimpse of my father crying, something she had rarely seen throughout her life. After that we had no choice but to tell her that Charlene had cancer. However we lied; we told her that it was in the very early stages, and that it was entirely treatable. In retrospect I’m sure that she realised that we were lying to her, but she didn’t challenge us. It’s like she knew that she couldn’t really handle the truth.”
“Charlene was always very brave. Despite her condition she kept visiting mum at hospital, and on the day that mum died she was there with my dad. In fact, she was the only one of us sisters who saw mum passing away because although I was there, I didn’t have the courage to go inside and see her passing in front of my eyes. I didn’t want to see her dead either. Unfortunately my eldest sister Marcon, didn’t make it in time to the hospital and arrived when mum had already passed.”
“My mother had been in a lot of pain for a very long time, but for some reason, during her last three days in hospital, she was pain free. She remained conscious till her very last breath and left us last August. Just a few days later, when we had only just buried our mother, Charlene was admitted for treatment in the same ward that my mother had just died in.”
“It was terrible, and though the hospital staff made sure to keep my sister far away from my mother’s old cubicle, it was still heart wrenching to have to go back to the same place, this time to see my sister go through the same fate.”
“My sister’s husband stayed with Charlene all the time. He bathed and ate at the hospital for the whole time that she was there, and the staff made sure to give them a private room so that he could sleep with her every night. For my dear sister, the end came cruelly fast. By Christmas time, just nine months after her diagnosis, Charlene knew that she was very unlikely to live until the New Year. As sad as we were, we still wanted to celebrate our last Christmas with her, but what do you buy a dying sibling? We bought her pyjamas, books and stuff that she could use during her last few days on earth. We tried our best to keep her spirits high, but her look was heart-broken. She was very sad that she wouldn’t be around to see her nieces grow up, and was concerned that they had just lost their grandmother and were now about to lose an aunt. Charlene lost consciousness in the afternoon of January 6th, and died just few hours later.”
“Although losing my mother was dreadful, and I still feel like a knife is being jabbed into me every time I go home, losing my sister was another kind of unbearable pain. It’s just harder to accept the death of a 28 year old, and whilst we all somewhat prepare ourselves to one day lose our parents, there’s nothing that can prepare you for the loss of a sibling. Charlene had just got married and she did not even have time to have kids. She had so much left to do with her life.”
“What bothers me even more is that I didn’t have enough time to take care of her. With my mother being sick at the same time, I couldn’t be with my sister nearly enough. Although I know that her husband never left her side I wish that I could have been there more for her.”
“They’ve both been gone for months now, but every Saturday morning their loss hits me afresh,” says Jessica. “When they were still around, we used to spend the whole day together and this routine had become such a big part of my life that, every Saturday I feel lost without it. It’s very hard to find any consolation but, thankfully, my boyfriend has always been extremely helpful. When my mother passed, he moved in with me and my dad, and this has helped a lot. I also had a lot of support from my friends, but ultimately I think that it was my faith and my work that kept me sane. Throughout the whole ordeal I kept working two jobs, and though I used to call my mother and sister many times a day, work was the only thing that got my mind off what was happening at home.”
“Since my eldest sister is married with children, I now do my best to take care of my dad. I can’t imagine what he is going through after losing a wife whom he had been married to for over thirty years, and I’m sure that he never ever imagined losing a daughter. Thankfully he has a close extended family and, has a lot of support from different people. He still works and keeps himself pretty busy, so he’s doing his best to keep going.”
“Ever since my mother died last year, I haven’t moved anything in the house. I left it exactly the way she liked it, and sometimes my sister and I have a laugh about her favourite porcelain dolls which she was so overprotective of.”
“This whole experience has changed my outlook on life. All my plans of getting married and taking my children to visit their grandmother have gone out the window but, though I get my bad days, I also get my good days; sometimes I’m angry at the world, and every time I feel a mild pain I think that it’s something grave and rush to the doctor but, most of the time, I thank God for giving me the strength to make it through this and, that I have many dear memories of both my mother and sister. I’m also thankful for the rest of my family, as well as my very caring boyfriend and friends. I’m sure that without such a terrible experience, I wouldn’t have matured and grown up so quickly, but I can now look ahead to the future. After all, it’s what my mother and sister would have wanted.”
