24 Apr Let’s talk about sex…some more
This article was first published in April’s Pink Magazine (slightly edited).
Those of us with a Catholic upbringing, find talking about sex, to say the least, awkward.
Despite the introduction of sex-education in schools, to this day, boys are still subjected to fear of blindness for abusing the wicked stick, and girls still snigger and giggle at the mere mention of a penis or other gooey bits.
So imagine finding yourself in a forum where the words ‘boners’, ‘cock-rings’, ‘vibrating rabbits’, ‘ejaculation’ and ‘lube’ are being thrown around like confetti at a wedding
Imagine sitting next to a complete stranger and being asked to divulge these four things about yourself to him:
1. your favourite ice-cream flavour
2. the name of the person you lost your virginity to
3. the name of the book you’re reading
4. and finally, your favourite sexual position
This is how Mr. Matthew Bartolo, a counsellor specialised in Sex and Relationship Psychotherapy, opened one of the very first Sex Therapy Workshops ever held in Malta.
Mr. Bartolo’s embarrassing introduction was meant to demonstrate just how ill at ease clients or patients can feel when having to divulge their sexual problems to a therapist. “It’s never easy,” says Matthew, “but a therapist’s approach can either make things easier or incredibly difficult.”
The series of sex-related workshops target professionals such as medical doctors, PSD teachers, psychologists, counsellors and social workers and the discussion is meant to guide them in discussing sex and sexuality related topics with their patients and clients.
According to Matthew Bartolo it is important for professionals to ask clients questions about their sex life and performance. “Not only could such information help patients’ sexual health,” says Matthew, “but it could also prevent other serious physical ailments. Some erectile difficulties in men, for instance, can be indicators of future cardiovascular problems.”
As casually as one would sip on a cup of tea, Matthew brings out a host of sex gadgets out of a box and demonstrates their use. Out came penis air pumps and tingling lube, local anaesthetic spray and vibrating rabbits. All had one common denominator – that of making sexual encounters more pleasurable and fulfilling.
“Whether alone or in company, sex toys could come in very handy,” explains Matthew, “because whilst primitively speaking, sex is meant for procreation, when it comes to relationships, sex should also bring pleasure. Sometimes it’s very hard to mitigate this concept with our Catholic upbringing and societal taboo, but unless we make sex pleasurable, our relationships might suffer.”
“Having said that, sex is neither sufficient nor an absolute necessity for healthy, happy relationships,” clarifies Matthew. “If a couple is happy without having sex or with a lack of it, they could be just as happy as a couple who are at it every day.”
“There’s absolutely no hard or fast rule when it comes to sex,” he explains, “but if an individual or couple feel that they need help with their sex life, professionals should be trained in how to approach the subject. Unfortunately not many are.”
In Malta, sex therapists are not easy to come by, and there seems to be a lacuna in the law which makes the sale of sex toys somewhat illegal, “but sometimes there’s no other way around certain types of sexual dysfunctions except for the use of sex toys and therapy,” says Matthew.
“People with mental health problems, especially those on particular types of anti-depressants, could experience different sexual dysfunctions. Whilst medications such as Viagra are now being prescribed, sometimes the solution is not in a pill,” says Matthew.
“In some case it is just a question of rekindling the fire,” says Matthew. “After a certain amount of time with the same partner, it’s only natural for the initial passion to subside, and people start feeling disappointed and let down.”
“The biggest myth about sex is that it should be spontaneous. Truth be told, when in a stable long-term relationship this is not always possible, or rather it almost never is because the prerequisites for intimacy are almost diametrically opposed to those required for sexual arousal. Couples need to consciously carve out time for each other, and believe it or not, sometimes the best solution to rekindle the passion flames is to ban sex for a while, as part of a sex therapy technique.”
“There are various techniques that we teach our clients and patients depending on the nature of the problem we’re presented with, but knowing your own body is essential for healthy sexual relationships,” says Matthew. “You need to know what gives you pleasure, and to ask for it. This is why we sometimes send our clients on what we call a self-exploration trip.”
When it came to visual aids to facilitate the workshop, Matthew went from using a wall to wall projection of 300 different vaginas entitled ‘All Vaginas are Beautiful’, to a graph demonstrating the average penis size of men from around the world. Matthew explained that sometimes, what is presented as a sexual problem is only a perceived problem perpetuated by the porn industry.
“Real average penis sizes, and what real vaginas should look like, are entirely different to what is portrayed by the porn industry,” says Matthew. “I also get many male clients concerned that they don’t ‘last’ long enough, but when I delve into how long they actually last, it turns out to be the average norm. Unfortunately, their reality is influenced by the porn industry and although watching porn could be an effective sexual stimulus we need to make our clients aware that porn stars are the exception not the norm, and that above all, cameras can create magical illusions.”
In Malta there are not sex toy shops to speak of, but somehow many claim to have secret drawers stashed with sexy gadgets and sex aides. Most make their purchases on line, from websites such as Adam & Eve – a conglomerate company which according to Wikipedia not only sells sex toys but also funds non-profit organizations that address issues such as population growth, disease control and sex education in developing countries.
Matthew Bartolo is a counsellor by profession. He’s worked in Malta and the UK as a school counsellor, in rehab and prison. He is specialising in Sex and Relationship Psychotherapy and last year he presented three pieces of research in the biggest World Sexual Health conference in Glasgow.
The workshop Sex Toys As Aids In Sex Therapy, was held last month at The Fortress in Xemxija. It was organised by Willingness –a new organisation working in the sex education sector, couple therapy and with separated / divorced parents. The workshop was the second in a series of workshops entitled ‘Nghidu Kelma’. The next workshop will be held in April and will discuss Sex, Relationships and Learning Disability. It will be lead by George O’Neil, a therapist specialising in work with people who have learning disabilities in the UK.
This article was first published in April’s Pink Magazine (slightly edited).
